Useless Ryan Air Tarts

The Trouble With RyanAir

I recently had to go to Ireland recently and as I was in a rush, I made the mistake of not specifying the airline to book with. Unfortunately for Mingo, the travel company booked me onto 2 Ryan Air flights and it was possibly the worst travel experience of my life. Now I’m no snob and have travelled on an awful lot of airlines; some budget and some not budget (are their any others?) and I can say without question that RyanAir is possibly the worst airline I have ever travelled with. Here is why Mingo is not happy today:

Sitting in Crisps

Sitting in Crisps

Sitting in Crisps

Why make me wait 40 minutes in the unheated lounge whilst you “clean the plane” when in reality you didn’t clean the plane. Look at this. I’m literally sitting in crisps. Why am I sitting in crisps? There’s not even been an attempt to kick the crisps under the chair in front. This shows either a massive incompetency in RyanAir cleaning staff or just laziness.

RyanAir Landing FanFare

When you land and are taxi-ing on the tarmac, you here this. This is very annoying as you’re blatantly late and no-one wants to hear this. What makes it sometimes even more annoying is when people clap. For Fucks Sake – they’ve only gone 40 minutes across the Irish sea. There’s no traffic up there, you wouldn’t expect them to ever be late – why are you clapping? I’ve instructed everyone in my office that I expect applause for just doing my job as well. I expect a cacophony of cheers when I send an email and want spontaneous chanting when I use a spellchecker. Jesus…

RyanAir Luxury Seats

RyanAir Luxury Seats

Seats Designed for Hobbits

Unless you are a fictional, hairy footed dwarf; it is unlikely you can sit comfortably in a Ryan Air seat. On the outbound flight I had a row to myself and the bastards have even locked the armrests down so you cannot even move your legs to the side slightly. You cannot sit without bending your legs into some painful yoga move with 99% of us should not be attempting. Now I am quite tall but not massive, I’m 6 foot but to be honest my six year old son would struggle for leg room in these seats. Also, I always seem to get the aisle seat and those tarts with their trolleys… which leads me nicely to

Mental Air Hostesses

I have nothing against air hostesses; I have friends who are air hostesses and so I know its a thankless and often mundane job to basically wait on 200 moaning people a couple of miles up in the air whilst travelling a few hundred miles an hour. BUT….Ryan Air being a budget airline obviously has to be wary of its costs and so it seems to be employing some right nutcases. The one woman on my flight using the tannoy sounded a cross between Welsh, Yorkshire and Polish. For the first 20 minutes of the safety demonstration, I thought she was taking the piss for a bet but no – it seems that’s her actual voice and accent, she’s not putting it on. No-one could really make out what she was saying and the few that did were straining to make any sense of it. It sounded something like this:

If yous would leek to peerchuss some guuuds froom the cetalooog then pleeese to be catzing ours eyes when wee work throw the cabeeen

What does that even mean? Mentalists

Online Dating Pitfalls

Strike a Light

White Dee Looking Gorgeous Yesterday

I recently woke up in some bushes in Swindon and on the newpaper I’d used as a blanket, I read the following paper about Benefits scrounger White Dee looking for love online.
This got me thinking about all those poor hapless bastards who might end up on a date with someone like White Dee who; lets be honest; would frighten a police horse.Here’s the Mingo Sheffield Guide to what to look out for when online dating and some common online dating pitfalls.




This is white Dee. Bubbly gives you a sense that they’d be the life and soul of the party but in reality it means fat, chubbtastic, big-boned etc. They’ll beat you to the buffet and probably go back for seconds. Don’t offer to pay as otherwise you’ll end up taking out a second mortgage on the pudding part of the bill. Even if there is a faint hint of attraction, the behemoth will probably be too knackered for much after lugging their bulk up the two steps to your front door to do anything apart from concentrating on their breathing.
Also: big-boned, BBW, Bonny, food lover, not very athletic


Gloria Estefan

Gloria Estefan had let herself go

Social Misfit

Well, this is awkward. She looked great on the profile picture but in reality you have a suspicion she wants to eat your liver. She laughs whenever you sneeze and is terrified of the wind. It is highly likely she lives alone, collects porcelain figurines and has more than one cat who ‘have the run of the place’. Don’t go back to their place as it will stink of cat litter and you will likely not wake up. Don’t tell them where you live. Just run. The trigger of when to make your excuses is when they start talking about ‘how that Bastard Gareth hurt me…’

Run like your legs are on fire my son!

Also: cat-lover, shy, loner, likes staying in, introvert


Hard Working Professional


I have my own swingline

Ah, the hard working professional. Normally their intro spiel will be along the lines of:

I’m a hard working professional in a busy city centre office. I want to take a break from the rat race and find someone to have some fun with. What it says

My dull mundane existence consists of bus journeys and sitting in an office trying to avoid work. I have the same lunch every day in the park and no-one talks to me. I don’t get invited to works drinks because of that time they caught me in the store cupboard with the bubblewrap. I am looking for someone to come home to so i can spout about how shitty my workmates are even though there is not the remotest chance I would get another job.What it means


Over Keen

The over keen first date is nearly always Male. The overkeen female should be avoided as she is likely to kill you and wear your skin as a trophy. The over keen male is just pretty sad and pathetic really.


Ring you bitch

The first date goes okay. They’re full of energy and quite excitable and the only worrying part is when they’re trying to pin you down to a second date, they want confirmation; preferably written. Okaaayyyy. But you arrange another date and begin to worry that they’re over keen as they have sent you 18 texts in the meantime.

The second date starts as well but then certain items in the conversation give him away. You’re pretty sure you never mentioned your friend ‘Kate’ but he seems to know a lot about her; as he also knows about your family, your holidays over the last 5 years and where you work. Before long you realise that he’s stalked you and that you probably shouldn’t have befriended him on facebook (even though he sent the request about 4 minutes after the first date).

As this is all getting a bit weird, you decide to nip it in the bud and politely decline the third date. This is when it gets awkward. He accuses you off getting back with you ex and flirting with blokes at work. He wants to meet for lunch to discuss and when you refuse, he sends you one of his ears in the post. You then get that awful feeling that someone is watching you and following you home. Your neighbour tells you about the strange man they caught going through your bins. Your sister keeps getting hanging up phone calls (and she lives in Halifax). Not the best date and even if he pays; the restraining order and the cost of getting ‘Fat Tony’ to break his legs will even that up.