Its coming up to the general election in the UK (May) and as a grown man with all his faculties (kind of), I get a vote but I’m pondering who to vote for so i thought I would summarise with my own analysis of the political parties in the mix.
Which political party should I vote for?
The reigning champions – the political party that is in charge. They’re the ones who your Dad would refuse to vote for and would disown you if he knew you had voted for them. My dad always bangs on about Thatcher and coal miners but as he’s never been a coal miner (nor has he a coal fire), I think he’s just jumping on the bandwagon a bit. Lets look at what the party has done in the past.
My mate – Kebab Shop Keith, had a letter through explaining that he would have to pay extra taxes for his second bedroom if he wasn’t willing to rent it out. He was a bit put out by this at first as he used his second bedroom to store his air fix models and his back copies of Razzle but he bit the bullet and advertised for a room mate to share the bills. He had a few replies; mainly from strange men with acne and long coats who were keen to live near a school although they never had any children but then he struck the jackpot. A girl called Tracey replied to the advert and they hit it off immediately. A few of the lads knew her from when she used to ‘work the docks’ (whatever that means) but Kebab Shop Keith was smitten and moved her in immediately. She didn’t pay much rent to Keith but he seemed happy enough. She seemed to have lots of friends who would visit her at all hours of the day and night but that didn’t matter, Keith used to work 18 hours days in ‘Kebabilicous’ off Newton high street so he didn’t care. What mattered was that he had avoided the bedroom tax and found a bit of love.
Put VAT up to 20%
So I had heard this on the news that VAT was going up and I wasn’t concerned. As I am held captive in a bookshop and get no wages to speak of, I don’t get paid and the only money I have I steal from the till.
I was nearly sick when I realised this was a tax on things I bought from the Co-op. A packet of chocolate Hob Nobs had gone up by nearly 10% and as this was the main staple of my diet, I would have to scrimp and save and cut out something else (Eccles cakes).
This was a massive no no in Mingo Sheffields book. The last man who came between me and my biscuits lost an eye.
The political party known as the lefties (I suppose this must mean a large majority of them are left handed). Labour has had some glorious leaders in the past. look at Neil Kinnock. Neil kinnock is actually in the Guinness book of records for being the strangest looking man in the history of the world. With his large nose and ginger wisps gracing his liver spotted dome, he looked a little like an angry science teacher in a troubled marriage.
And Good old Ed Milliband nowadays. He looks more like a spitting image puppet than a spitting image puppet. I don’t know how everyone who ever meets him resists the opportunity to reach above him and see if there are really little strings holding him up. Everytime I see him on the telebox, i can’t help but think of him running away to join the circus as he aspires to be a real boy one day; “I’ve got no strings to hold me down….”.
My favourite labour leader was Gordon Brown and that was because he thought everyone else was an idiot. It was like he lo☺oked at the rest of society and realised that he was alone on a planet with a load of working class numpties. He constantly seemed tired of the general public (made even more clear by labelling a confusing old Grandma a racist). Gordon was the most pissed off labour leader ever and I loved him for it. I feel your pain Gordon!
So what have the Labour party given to us in the last few years?
As I don’t actually get paid for writing this tripe, I wouldn’t really care about the minimum wage but Sweaty Sue from the bakery tells me that it changed her life significantly and she now does her shopping in Asda and not Lidl. Apparently this makes the minimum wage for a worker over the age of 21, over seven quid now which means they can afford their beer and fags most nights of the week, not just the weekend. Raj from the cash and carry said it nearly put him out of business until he found a loophole. He fired all his over 21 year old workers for minor infractions (such as not looking at him when he was talking and wearing the wrong shoes) and replaced them with pig-shit thick 16 year-olds who haven’t got a clue but can stack shelves). Then if the worker hasn’t been shot or knocked up before they are 21, Raj just fires them; thus avoiding the minimum wage. he says its a great thing now, especially that its for over 21’s only as it gives the kids a chance.
Well we see this term banded around quite a lot but what does it mean? Its basically all about prejudice in recruitment. Now, I like to think I am not homophobic, racist or sexist but a bloke in a dress is a bloke in a dress and that’s how we should treat him, like a big hairy fella in a frock. I don’t see why I should have to put up with ‘Big Dave’ using the ladies toilets in work and suggesting they have been discriminated against as none of the warehouse lot wolf whistled at him (her). I think the rules here should be simple, if they’ve still got their chopper then they’re a lad and if not, they’re a bird. job done.
I’m scoring this negative as quite frankly I am curiously aroused yet terrified.