The Neighbours

Everybody needs good neighbours

Neighbours Odd Behaviour

  • Flicking the lights on and off constantly like a big mad disco
  • Weeing in the street
  • Stalking some fella in the flats up the road
  • Howling in the small hours
  • Spoons going missing

My new house (Mingo Towers) has a rather strange set of neighbours. I noticed something amiss when I moved in and noticed there was an ashtray screwed to the wall; the kind you see outside pubs. I thought nothing more of it until a few days later and I met them – I had a steam mop delivered next door and one of them brought it round for me.

Oh good lord.

The house is an assisted living house which means care workers are there 24/7 to care for the occupants, most of whom have learning difficulties, bladder problems or are chained to the wall. I became obsessed with them as you only ever really get to see two of them frequently but I know there is at least 5 in there. We’ve witnessed odd behaviour too.

I have changed the names to protect their identities but here are what I have discovered:

Stalker

Jenny in the garden

Jenny the stalker

Jenny is the youngest of the bunch, she is often seen in and around the village and is famous for her blatantly crap stalking skills. It seems that she fancies a bloke up the road and instead of the usual route of chatting him up / asking him out, she seems to think the route to his heart is standing outside his flat and staring in through the windows. When that becomes too much and she gets chased off by the neighbours, she goes round the back and tries to get in over the fence there. She has a restraining order and is brought home by a police car about twice a week. A few months back she turned up on the doorstep with a broken nose and two black eyes from ‘her fella’ – he’s obviously a keeper.
I’m not suggesting Jenny is a liar but in the past year she claims to have:

  • Been in court 3 times for ‘keying her boyfriends car
  • Mentioned she has 3 children all of wildly varying ages each time
  • Suggested she’s attempted to cut her own arm off with some glass because she was bored
  • Got a job in a local off license (never gonna happen that one).
Daniel O'Donnell yesterday

Daniel O’Donnell yesterday

Terry the chain smoking shuffler

Terry is about 70 and shuffles everywhere. I don’t think her legs are working below the knees. She chain smokes and this, coupled with the very slow shuffling means she can easily finish a cigarette in about 40 yards. She can have smoked a whole ten deck by the time she gets to the shops. We heard from someone in the hair salon that she once had a wee outside with a can of special brew in one hand and a fag in the other. She wears a Daniel o’ Donnell t shirt occasionally and has a bet Lynch cigarette holder. Terry, we salute you!

Pat

We’ve not seen much of Pat as she goes to a daycare centre in a minibus every day but she seems in a constant state of confusion. She smiles though in a kind Auntie kind of way.

Mungo

Mungo

Mungo

the most mysterious of the bunch and rarely seen. In the depths of the darkest and coldest nights, Mungo can be heard in next doors cellar. His chains clashing against the grills on the small window which lets in his only light. Rumours that he escaped once but was captured in the garden have not yet been confirmed. Our squirrel problem seems sorted though, we think he baits them in through the window then eats them whole.