Health and Safety Risk Assesment

I was asked to fill out a very long form for Health and Safety and fire reasons. It goes into great detail about how a person in my office with impairements (?!) would be treated if there was a fire or need for evacuation. The thing is about 50 pages long as I am the only person in my office, I literally could not justify the time it would take to fill it all in.

What I could justify though is spending most of the morning drawing pictures of horses on the risk assesment instead.

Fuck you Health and Safety, Fuck you!

Mingo Attempts Dry January

Oh My Word

why oh why did I agree to dry January?
I didn’t realise it would be this difficult. I drink far too much and therefore thought cutting back would be wise but it is quite the opposite. People said I would feel better, have more energy, sleep better and be more motivated for things like the gym and going dogging and stuff but to be honest, it’s had the opposite effect on me; it makes me want to murder people. A lot.

Dry January Day 3

I have an acheing in my legs that I cannot seem to identify, its almost as if there are parts of my body where blood is now allowed to seep back in and it hurts. I feel like I have had my lower body crushed by a lorry or something.

Dry January Day 5

I can see colours for the first time in years and have come to the realisation that I have 3 children. How on earth did this happen? I’ve been so out of it for so long that reality is dawning on me. A butterfly or a moth or some other little fucker flew past me this evening and I quite literally freaked out.

Dry January Day 7

The mundanity of life is ever more apparent with each passing day. The endless cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep is enough to drive you mad. At least before you broke the cycle up every night with 6 tins of tennents and half a bottle of fake Baileys. What do people who do not drink do? TV is terrible and when I try to read a book, the letters keep jumbling themselves up to spell ‘lager’. and then it makes me want to pop open a tin.

Dry January Day 9

I’m nearing the end I think. My body seems to be shutting down. I couldn’t drive to work this morning as my body was shaking like a shitting dog. I dropped a glass (full of water and not gin) and then pulled my hip bending to pick the pieces of glass up. I may need to have a drink; I am not even halfway through dry January and my body is crying for help. It gets all its nourishment from booze.

Ways to kill peppa Pig

Ways to Kill Peppa Pig

The little Sheffields are obsessed with this bloody cartoon pig, I can only dream of ways of ending her!

  1. BBQ, I can almost smell that flame grilled pork (although make sure she takes those golden boots off, that burning rubber will ruin the taste)
  2. Get Daddy Pig to sit on her; the fat piggy bastard
  3. Push her in the duck pond and hold her under
  4. Train those ducks to attack pigs
  5. Goad Winston Wolf back into his feral ways until he grips her little piggy neck with his razor sharp incisors and shakes her to bits. Pulled pork anyone?
  6. Kick her to death
  7. Beat her unconscious with George’s dinosaur
  8. Push her in the hole when Mr. Bull dogs up the road
  9. Smother her with Teddy
  10. Stake her to the ground and leave her in the sun.