I feel bad but I think Irene has been fired, not too bad though as her replacement is about twenty five and a huge fan of short skirts and tight tops. A lot of makeup though; If you were to pull that, it would cost you a fortune in Vanish Stain Remover on your pillow case. I’d hate to see what was under that slap but to be fair, its a step up from Irene who looked knackered and probably needed a rest.
I now have colleagues in the office although they’re not here very much. They seem to be just using the office to get mail sent here and they bob in and open their mail then fuck off relatively quickly. I have made a note to open their mail and keep any cash, drugs or illegal stuff I find. Winner.
Anyway, here are my new office ‘buddies’.
Leonard – The Web Developer
“Don’t turn it off”
Leonard introduced himself by telling me a bit about what he does. Although he tried to explain it in as technical babble as possible; it turns out that he creates wordpress websites for small business and then doesn’t update them but still charges monthly fees to people who are scared of websites. He mainly spends his time working on an automated invoicing system for his three customers.
He also seems to have a server set up in the office although he claims it doesn’t host any websites. Bizarrely enough he also has a battery backup for this completely useless server which he informed me would beep every three seconds if it were to ever kick in on a loss of power.
Leonard: …So if the power goes, then the battery will kick in and it will beep every three seconds to let you know it is active.
Mingo: I’ll just turn it off
Leonard: No, you cannot do that as then the server turn off. You can call me and I will come in and turn it off as soon as I can. The beeping is not that loud.
Mingo: I can hear it if I just turn it off
Leonard: You can’t turn it off, the server will go down
Mingo: I’m going to turn it off
First argument with Leonard
This conversation was very frustrating for Leonard as he knew, deep down that not only would I turn off his littly battery thing if it beeped, but I was probably going to switch it off the first chance I got to see what happened. Leonard knew this. He knew.
Look at the teeth on this lad
Ewan – the business coach
Ewan was a bit more ‘normal’ than Leonard when he introduced himself. I instantly forgot his name as I couldn’t stop staring at his teeth, they were so white – I had never seen anything like it. He told me a bit about himself but to be honest i was mainly thinking about how someone would get their teeth that white and whether they would need to be bleached or something.
Anyway, I had to get him to repeat most of his speech as i was thinking about dentists and stuff and it turns out he gets hairdressers and mechanics and that and makes them legitimate in business, you know paying taxes and having a business bank account and not just spunking all the profits on hats.
So basically Ewan just teaches people common sense – i.e. if you are only earning one hundred pounds a week, don’t buy a boat, all that kind of stuff. It actually sounded a bit interesting but the teeth thing was worrying me so I had to ask him about it. He claims he puts nothing on them and just brushes them twice a day. Lying Bastard.
I think I will get on well with my new colleagues. I have already shown them a few tricks I learned in prison and have politely asked them never to make direct eye contact as I ‘can just flip’.
