Online Dating Pitfalls

Strike a Light

White Dee Looking Gorgeous Yesterday

I recently woke up in some bushes in Swindon and on the newpaper I’d used as a blanket, I read the following paper about Benefits scrounger White Dee looking for love online.
This got me thinking about all those poor hapless bastards who might end up on a date with someone like White Dee who; lets be honest; would frighten a police horse.Here’s the Mingo Sheffield Guide to what to look out for when online dating and some common online dating pitfalls.

Bubbly 
Bubbly

 

Bubbly

This is white Dee. Bubbly gives you a sense that they’d be the life and soul of the party but in reality it means fat, chubbtastic, big-boned etc. They’ll beat you to the buffet and probably go back for seconds. Don’t offer to pay as otherwise you’ll end up taking out a second mortgage on the pudding part of the bill. Even if there is a faint hint of attraction, the behemoth will probably be too knackered for much after lugging their bulk up the two steps to your front door to do anything apart from concentrating on their breathing.
Also: big-boned, BBW, Bonny, food lover, not very athletic

 

Gloria Estefan

Gloria Estefan had let herself go

Social Misfit

Well, this is awkward. She looked great on the profile picture but in reality you have a suspicion she wants to eat your liver. She laughs whenever you sneeze and is terrified of the wind. It is highly likely she lives alone, collects porcelain figurines and has more than one cat who ‘have the run of the place’. Don’t go back to their place as it will stink of cat litter and you will likely not wake up. Don’t tell them where you live. Just run. The trigger of when to make your excuses is when they start talking about ‘how that Bastard Gareth hurt me…’

Run like your legs are on fire my son!

Also: cat-lover, shy, loner, likes staying in, introvert

 

Hard Working Professional

Milton

I have my own swingline

Ah, the hard working professional. Normally their intro spiel will be along the lines of:

I’m a hard working professional in a busy city centre office. I want to take a break from the rat race and find someone to have some fun with. What it says

My dull mundane existence consists of bus journeys and sitting in an office trying to avoid work. I have the same lunch every day in the park and no-one talks to me. I don’t get invited to works drinks because of that time they caught me in the store cupboard with the bubblewrap. I am looking for someone to come home to so i can spout about how shitty my workmates are even though there is not the remotest chance I would get another job.What it means

 

Over Keen

The over keen first date is nearly always Male. The overkeen female should be avoided as she is likely to kill you and wear your skin as a trophy. The over keen male is just pretty sad and pathetic really.

4006427_f520

Ring you bitch

The first date goes okay. They’re full of energy and quite excitable and the only worrying part is when they’re trying to pin you down to a second date, they want confirmation; preferably written. Okaaayyyy. But you arrange another date and begin to worry that they’re over keen as they have sent you 18 texts in the meantime.

The second date starts as well but then certain items in the conversation give him away. You’re pretty sure you never mentioned your friend ‘Kate’ but he seems to know a lot about her; as he also knows about your family, your holidays over the last 5 years and where you work. Before long you realise that he’s stalked you and that you probably shouldn’t have befriended him on facebook (even though he sent the request about 4 minutes after the first date).

As this is all getting a bit weird, you decide to nip it in the bud and politely decline the third date. This is when it gets awkward. He accuses you off getting back with you ex and flirting with blokes at work. He wants to meet for lunch to discuss and when you refuse, he sends you one of his ears in the post. You then get that awful feeling that someone is watching you and following you home. Your neighbour tells you about the strange man they caught going through your bins. Your sister keeps getting hanging up phone calls (and she lives in Halifax). Not the best date and even if he pays; the restraining order and the cost of getting ‘Fat Tony’ to break his legs will even that up.

Flowers

Interflora you robbing bastards

I don’t even like flowers!

Interflora you robbing bastards! £60 for a bunch of flowers in a vase and a box of chocolates? I feel like I’ve been robbed. Have you increased your prices as you know useless blokes (like me) will have forgotten to buy anything and are using you as a last ditch attempt to get something semi decent for Valentines day?

Seriously – its a bunch of flowers, they’ll be dead Tuesday week. Its a big price to pay for a smile on Mrs. Mingo’s face. At least it won’t be as bad as last year when I stood in the queue outside on the Esso forecout waiting for the 35 people in front of me to frantically find something in the all night service station that had some kind of sentiment attached to it. Yes, I can honestly say there was no love lost the next morning when I handed over a copy of HEAT magazine, some anti-freeze, a magic tree and two tubes of Pringles (one with some slight box damage). I’d have been better of using the previous years tactic of squaring up to the postman on the path screaming blue murder that her parcel hadn’t arrived (even though it hadn’t been ordered). I did try winking to the postman to get him to play along but this had the result of making me look even more psychotic. This is why I have to pick up all my mail from the central sorting office now, they refuse to deliver.